• Grief in Motherhood.,  Letters to SJ.

    UnFOURgettable.

    My sweet SJ, You are unFOURgettable. Today, but truly every day. I have wondered so many times this last year all the ways you must be changing. What does your voice sound like? How long has your hair gotten? What have you learned? Does your one eyebrow still lift when you make that mischievous smirk? Do you still throw your head back and shriek with joy when you laugh? What does it take to make you laugh like that at this age? Are you the jokester of Heaven I imagine you are, spreading joy like you did here? I’ve wondered too what pieces of our lives you have caught glimpses…

  • Faith,  Motherhood.

    Made for Love.

    I have had friends ask me, “Out of all the world’s religions, how do you know Christianity is the right one? I’m scared to choose wrong.” Let me tell you how I know… Today I laid my 3 month old daughter down in her crib to grab an outfit from the drawer and begin changing her. As soon as I laid her down, she turned to baby rage. I mean, this girl was yelling at the top of her lungs, face bright red, completely ignoring me as I stood over her offering the pacifier. As I picked her back up, she calmed in seconds, returned to her normal color, looked…

  • Faith,  Motherhood.,  Simple Joys.

    Just What I Needed.

    Truthfully, I always imagined myself raising boys. I just assumed that, with all my affection for order and organization, the Lord would throw in some boys to leave muddy little footprints across my floor and my type A heart. I was so sure He’d use them to teach me to let go and live a little. But that wasn’t His plan… No, it sure wasn’t because God gave me a daughter instead. The daintiest little thing, beautiful in every way, so full of the joy of life. He gave me this perfect and precious girl, and then He asked me to listen to the way I spoke to her each…

  • Medical Motherhood.,  Simple Joys.

    Permission to Live.

    When we first found out Savannah would need a little extra care, I remember asking the Lord, “How am I going to do this?” I knew her life held great purpose from Him, and I knew the promises of His Word from my own healing testimony. I could gather the Scriptures. I knew how to stand on them for her. He’d do the rest. But how could I live out my faith in between those moments of sink-to-my-knees, cry-out-my-eyes, call-out-His-name prayer closet sessions? What would it look like to take my stance in my bedroom- standing and shouting, pointing my finger at an invisible enemy, boldly declaring God’s Word over…

  • Bucket List.,  Simple Joys.

    Walking by Faith.

    The bucket list I made in high school had “teach a child to walk” on it. This week I watched Savannah’s little footprints in the sand and had a shift of perspective. As hard as it is some days to see children Savannah’s age running, jumping, playing, doing dance and sports, we’re getting a little longer to take in this time that even 17 year old me recognized as being so precious. Knowing the promise (for a life of abundance in Jesus) doesn’t mean the difficult emotions don’t come. It doesn’t mean our minds won’t try to wander with the what if’s. Knowing the promise means we have the opportunity-…

  • Medical Motherhood.,  Motherhood.

    Mom Guilt.

    Raise your hand if you’ve ever been personally victimized by “Mom Guilt?” Oh, phew. I knew it couldn’t be just me. For those of you mamas-to-be who’ve stumbled across my page, Mom Guilt is the irrational sense of not being able to give your baby everything they need and deserve for a healthy development. It’s root cause is a deep, sacred love for the children entrusted to you. It also stems from honoring the purpose of motherhood/longing to be intentional in the role. And its symptoms make up a long list of, well, crazy. I’ll go ahead and insert a few of my own here: waiting for a “Mom’s Day…

  • Arise Book.,  Grief in Motherhood.

    “About Me.”

    I guess that right there sums up where I’m at. Still a mother, yet spending my days with children who aren’t my own. So passionate to protect the legacy entrusted to me, even now that it looks different from what I ever expected. Praying daily that my daughter will reap the heavenly reward of each person her testimony reaches and inspires resilient faith within. And ready to partner with you in praying for your legacy too.

  • Faith,  Motherhood.

    The Miners League.

    For months Justin has been stopping to tap the half wall above the landing as he and Savannah come down the stairs. What I thought was quirky and cute at first soon drove me crazy. “WHAT. ARE. YOU. DOING?!” I finally cracked and asked. Then Justin told me about locker room traditions. About sports teams rallying around and tapping motivational quotes before heading into the game to give their all. Every bit of annoyance in me became inspiration. I knew what I wanted to do for him for Fathers Day. I just had to find our family motto. Watching Moana with Savannah one night, the grandma asked (in song, of…

  • Faith,  Grief in Motherhood.

    Believing for “Brave.”

    There was a time that I welcomed New Years with hopeful declarations. Words that I believed the Lord had placed on my heart and asked me to pursue Him for the development of. Words that weaved themselves in and out of every domain of my life. So much further reaching than a single resolution. It’s been 4 years since then. 4 years since I led my class of third graders in choosing a word to declare over their own year. We crafted construction paper self portraits with New Years party hats and written responses about their chosen words. I spent the night before they made their projects cutting out the…

  • Grief in Motherhood.,  Medical Motherhood.

    I Know Where The Sidewalk Ends.

    Let’s talk about trauma, mamas. Experiencing and recovering from trauma is like running along a moving sidewalk. Life feels fast-paced and, honestly, maybe even just frantic. You are exhausted trying to keep the pace but you’ve got your eyes locked on the end in sight. That place where the yellow and black striped metal meets the concrete and you know life will slow to a stroll. Things will be easy again. Life will be good. But nobody ever tells you what life looks like on the other side of that sidewalk- whatever event you’re just trying to get through. No one tells you about the moment your legs, now adjusted…